Oct 12

Oct 12 What are the 5 love languages and why do they matter?

Words of affirmation or physical touch? Learn what the 5 love languages are and how to identify your love language to strengthen your relationships and wellbeing.

There are times in relationships when misunderstanding each other’s expressions of love can create distance. For instance, one partner expresses love through cooking and cleaning, while their partner feels loved when they watch TV together. Both partners in this scenario will probably end up feeling unappreciated, frustrated, and unloved.

But in a world where relationships are the most important ingredient for long-term happiness, the way we navigate our relationships becomes more and more important. That’s where love languages come in.

What are love languages?

You may have heard the term love languages before but if you’re not aware where it comes from, ‘Love languages’ is a term coined by Gary Chapman, Ph.D, in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

These love languages aren’t just about romantic relationships—they’re about the ways we connect in all relationships including friendships, family ties, and even the relationship we have with ourselves.

Our love languages play a pivotal role in how we each express and receive affection and vary from one person to another. Recognizing and appreciating our preferred love languages as well as the preferred languages of others ensures our expressions of love hit the mark, creating connections that are more likely to stand the test of time.

💙 Learn more about how to nourish your relationship with our Love and Relationships series.

When we’re aware of when and how we feel cherished, we can also show ourselves the love we need. Like arranging to meet up with friends regularly because you know quality time is important to you. When our emotional needs are met, we see and feel the benefits to our mental health.

Why love languages matter for your wellbeing

We’ve probably all experienced gestures of love, big or small, that made our hearts swell. Subtle or grand, these moments play a pivotal role in human relationships. Whether a comforting handhold or a timely message of encouragement, expressing and receiving affection is central to our emotional wellbeing.

Emotional intimacy: Intimacy isn't just for romantic couples, it's essential in all our relationships. It's that deep sense of being understood by another person—and understanding them in return. When we communicate our affection well, we strengthen this bond, making our ties more resilient.

Affection and mental health: Affectionate gestures can uplift our mood and mental wellbeing. Studies have shown that feeling appreciated can reduce loneliness and increase self-worth and emotional security.

Building trust through affection: Trust doesn't happen overnight. Affectionate gestures add to the faith felt in a relationship, cultivating a sense of safety and reliability.

Relationship satisfaction: Relationships require consistent nurturing. By actively expressing and receiving affection, we keep our relationships nourishing and healthy so both parties feel valued.

What are the 5 love languages?

Navigating the world of love and relationships can sometimes feel like decoding a puzzle—after all, everyone has a unique way of expressing and receiving love. These things are often culturally ingrained and depend on our life experiences, gender, age, and values.

That said, Dr. Chapman found five overarching love languages. You may find that you relate to several. Still, there’s usually one that will particularly resonate with you.

1. Words of affirmation

This love language revolves around vocal affirmations of feelings like love, appreciation, and support. Compliments, encouragement, or a simple "I love you" can be deeply meaningful.

How to practice: Words of affirmation are pretty straightforward but can be some of the hardest words to say for those not used to them. Some examples to start with include saying, "You mean the world to me," or "I'm proud of you." These words can have a big impact on anyone who’s been struggling with low self-esteem, or negative self-talk.

💙 If you or someone you love considers words of affirmation as a love language, it can be impactful to practice affirmations in your mindfulness practices. Check out Self-Affirmations from the Daily Jay.

2. Acts of service

This love language translates affection into actions. Usually, actions that seek to make the other’s life easier or better. Whether cooking a 3-course meal or ensuring you take your pills on time, these acts are their way of saying, "I care."

How to practice: Acts of service could include making breakfast in bed for a loved one or taking over chores when a partner feels overwhelmed.

3. Receiving gifts

For some, love is best expressed through giving and receiving gifts. It's not about materialism but the thought and effort behind the gift.

How to practice: Whether it's a handwritten note or a truly personal gift, these tokens of affection can speak volumes.

💙 If acts of service and/or gifts are your love languages, it might be important to develop a gratitude practice where you get into the habit of expressing thanks to your loved ones who offer you these gifts. Explore our Gratitude masterclass.

4. Quality time

This love language is all about undivided attention and communication. No distractions, just pure, uninterrupted time together.

How to practice: Activities like taking a ‘Talk It Out’ walk together or making time for date night can mean so much if you or your loved one’s love language is quality time.

💙 Walking is a wonderful way to incorporate mindfulness and movement into your daily routine. It’s also a great time to spend quality time with someone you care about. To learn more about Mindful Walking, check out our guided practice.

5. Physical touch

People with this love language often feel most loved and connected when in physical contact with others. How much physical touch is needed depends on the person.

How to practice: From a comforting pat on the back to cuddling on the couch, these physical signs of affection convey deep love and intimacy.

💙 Sometimes physical touch can manifest as relaxing on the couch in close proximity to a loved one. Why not pair this special time with some soothing music like Restorative Piano 432 hz.

The beauty of love languages lies in recognizing our language and those of our loved ones, which creates understanding and the feeling of belonging in our relationships. It’s important to note, however, that these are generalizations, and each person will have their own unique take. For example, someone who values acts of service won’t necessarily appreciate chores.

The best way to find out how someone feels loved is to ask them, and love languages are a great way to get the conversation started.

How to identify your love language

Finding your primary love language can help you improve your relationships and boost your wellbeing. Here are 5 steps to helping you identify your love language.

Step 1: Reflect on your relationships

Take a moment to think back on past or current close relationships. What gestures or actions made you feel the most adored? Was it an unexpected love note or the time a friend spent just listening? Recognizing these patterns can offer a significant clue to your love language.

Step 2: Observe your actions and reactions

Turn the spotlight on yourself. How do you typically show love? Do you express your feelings through words, or are you the first to roll up your sleeves and help out? Also, think about the times you felt hurt or disappointed—was it when kind words were scarce or when you felt starved of time together? Your reactions can give an insight into what you value most.

Step 3: Seek feedback

Ask close friends or your partner how they think you receive love best. Often, those close to us notice patterns and behaviors we might overlook.

Step 4: Take a love language quiz

Sometimes, a little external perspective can help. Try taking Dr Chapman’s online quiz to help you identify your love language.

Step 5: Reflect on your findings

With all this information, sit back and reflect. Does a particular love language feel more important than the others? Remember, relating to multiple languages is okay—our emotions can be complex.

Understanding your love language can help you achieve deeper, more meaningful connections with loved ones.

💙 The five love languages aren’t the only tools you can use to better understand and prioritize your connections with your loved ones. Explore our Relationship with Others series to dive deeper.

What are the 5 love languages FAQs

Q: What are the 5 different love languages?

The concept of the 5 love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman as a way to describe how people express and receive love. In brief, these languages are:

Words of affirmation: Verbal expressions of feelings, care, and affection, like telling someone "I love you," complimenting them and offering appreciation.
Acts of service: Whether making breakfast or fixing a leaky faucet, these actions are seen as expressions of love.
Receiving gifts: It's the thought behind the gift that matters. These gestures can mean a lot, whether a token of something important to them or a thank you note.
Quality time: No phones or other distractions, just people spending time together.
Physical touch: Holding hands, a cuddle, or a pat on the back can be a powerful communicator of love for some people.

Q: Is it 5 or 7 love languages?

Dr. Gary Chapman, who developed the theory, identified 5 distinct ways we express and experience love. While people might feel loved in other ways, these five are the most universally recognized.

Q: How do I know what my love language is?

Reflect on past relationships and how you felt most loved or appreciated. You can also think about how you typically show affection. Discuss it with close friends or your partner, too. For a more structured approach, try the online quiz designed by Dr. Gary Chapman. Remember, there's no right or wrong answer. It's all about better understanding yourself and your needs.

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