The 'beautiful mess effect' — why embracing your imperfections is good for you
Life is messy. And we can often feel like we’re a mess too. But, contrary to what most of us think, letting others see that mess is a good thing.
We know, logically, that everyone has challenges. That we all face sticky circumstances that leave us feeling like a true mess. It’s one of the things all humans have in common. And yet, so many of us still hold ourselves back from sharing our experience with others, worried we’ll come across as weak or too much.
So, we don’t ask for help. We don’t apologize for our mistakes. We don’t set boundaries. We don’t admit our feelings and desires. Our “mess” just feels too vulnerable.
It’s true that there’s risk in vulnerability. We may get turned down, rejected, or cause others some inconvenience. But it’s also true that avoidance usually causes even more problems in our life and relationships than honesty does. Most importantly, we may be missing the chance for real connection and community.
Vulnerability is the gateway to connection
With so much at stake, it’s worth wondering if our perception of vulnerability, and how we’ll be perceived, has any basis in reality. Turns out? Not so much.
Research shows that sharing our vulnerability with others is often rewarded, and viewed as a beautiful thing to those we share with. We see beauty in others when they allow us to see their less-than-perfect side, which means other people see it in us. And yet we’re still desperate not to reveal this authentic vulnerability.
Again and again, the study found that vulnerability feels like weakness on the inside, but looks like courage on the outside. This mismatched perception is called the “Beautiful Mess Effect”.
What’s more, letting ourselves be messy (in a safe environment with people we feel safe with) also has many proven benefits. It can:
boost learning
Increase self-esteem and better mental health
lead to new relationships and repair fractured ones
Sounds like a risk worth taking, right?
The secret to embracing your imperfections
Studies show that highly self-compassionate people have a much more balanced view of their own vulnerability. Self-compassion helps us find the beauty in our own “mess”. Why? When you lack self-compassion, revealing your edges and imperfections can feel full-on dangerous rather than just a tad risky. We need a soft place to land if (and when) things don’t go according to plan.
Moments of vulnerability can trigger shame and fear, and self-compassion helps us create a space of tenderness where we can be present with any difficult feelings that arise.
According to researcher Kristen Neff, self-compassion consists of three components:
Self-kindness: A caring and understanding response towards one’s own suffering; speaking to yourself like you would a friend
Common humanity: Recognizing pain and failures as an unavoidable part of life because it happens to all of us
Mindfulness: A clear awareness of the present moment, neither ignoring or exaggerating the difficult circumstances in your life
These practices cultivate self-trust when it comes to sharing our messy moments, no matter the outcome.
Source: Getty Images
4 Tips To Cultivate Self-Compassion
If you’re not naturally self-compassionate, don’t worry! It’s a skill that we need to learn and practice in order to become competent, and that takes time and effort.
Here are four tips to help you build your self-compassion “muscles”.
1. Examine your self talk
Most of us have a voice in our head that isn’t going to win any awards for kindness. Start to pay attention to this voice, and then work on developing a new inner dialogue that’s more accepting of your flaws. Remember: you’re a human being that makes mistakes (just like the rest of us).
Try repeating some of these self-compassion affirmations:
I am a beautiful, messy human
I get closer to others when I show up as myself
I embrace all parts of me, no matter what others think
🔹 To explore more, try this meditation for Negative Self Talk, and the Daily Jay’s Shift Your Self Talk
2. Learn more about self-compassion
Take a deep dive into what self-compassion really is in the Radical Self-Compassion masterclass on Calm. In the program, you’ll learn the mindfulness practice RAIN, which is a fast-track to mindfulness-based compassion.
3. Write it out
Try keeping a daily self-compassion journal. Journaling is a great way to help you change the way you see, or think about, whatever challenges you’re going through. In the evening, take a few minutes to reflect on the day's events, specifically anything you felt bad about, judged yourself for, or caused you pain.
For each of these experiences:
Consider how you felt—without any judgment or minimizing. Be honest!
Acknowledge how this experience is one that many people go through (for example: “we all make mistakes”, or “everyone feels sadness”)
Jot down some words of comfort. Imagine a close friend was going through this situation, how would you talk to them?
4. Practice, practice, practice
To make anything a habit, you need to practice! Carve out a few minutes a day (or as often as you can) to actively practice self-compassion. Explore the guided exercises below, and find what feels best for you.
Self-Compassion Sessions
