New year, same awesome you: why resolutions don’t work & how to create real change in your life
Research shows that New Year’s resolutions are almost universally unsuccessful. Instead of reinventing yourself, lean into self-acceptance and learn how to create meaningful and sustainable change in your life.
It’s a familiar pattern. The end of the year rolls around and we start making resolutions. You buy the gym membership, you set the lofty goals, sure this will be your year.
Maybe you start off strong, but come February those resolutions have fallen behind, if not off completely. And the same old cycle of self-criticism doubles down. You aren’t alone. 80% of people will have given up their New Year’s resolutions by the second week of February.
With statistics that high, what if you’re not some outlier who doesn’t have the self-discipline to meet resolutions? What if resolutions just don’t work?
The Missing Piece of Resolutions
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve or enhance your mental, physical, and emotional health, but resolutions are often missing a key component to meaningful change: self-acceptance.
When we come to a new habit or aspiration with the belief that we need to “fix” ourselves, it tends to set us up for failure. The shame and blame inherent in that belief leaves little room for flexibility, which is an important ingredient for growth and change.
You can’t beat yourself up into change, but you may be able to accept yourself into it. At the very least, self-acceptance can improve your happiness… and isn’t that what most of our resolutions are about anyway?
The Self-Improvement Trap: Are You Falling Into It?
Many of us have the (sometimes unconscious) belief that if we only “achieve” whatever “improvement” we’re going after, then (and only then) we can be happy with ourselves, good enough, or worthy of love. We often feel sure this change or accomplishment will increase our confidence, improve our relationships, and really start our lives. This is a self-improvement trap.
The constant thinking about where we want to be, and what we need to do to get there keeps our energy focused on what we are not, where we are not, and what it will take to get to this “better” place.
The lack of acceptance of where we are that comes with this mindset can be its own block to change. These are not motivating forces, or fuel for change, at least not long term. Because if we are only as worthy as our latest achievement, we’ll continue to set the finish line further and further out, never quite “arriving” at our destination.
The Case for Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance, on the other hand, not only lays the foundation for meaningful change in our lives, it also is a great indicator of our overall happiness. In fact, practicing self-acceptance is the habit that can make the biggest difference to people's happiness (without self-acceptance, your wellbeing can actually suffer).
The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you have. Or, perhaps you can only enjoy as much happiness as you think you’re worthy of. Let that sink in.
Self-acceptance is defined as an individual’s acceptance of all of his/her attributes, positive or negative. It's about being okay without conditions or qualifications. Not in the future, not when you accomplish that big goal, but now. This doesn’t mean you don’t have shortcomings or areas in which you want to grow, but those things don’t negate the fact that you are okay right now, in this very moment.
And, no, self-acceptance will not make you lazy. Clearly the lack of self-acceptance is not motivation enough, so why not try a new way? This year, let self-acceptance be the foundation of any resolutions you have, rather than being the hoped outcome of them.
You will start to see that in this total embrace of yourself – flaws and all – a space and opportunity can open up to create authentic success and fulfillment in your life.
A New Kind of Resolution
A lack of self-acceptance can be deeply unconscious. But thanks to mindfulness, it’s been shown that we all have the ability to cultivate self-acceptance.
Here are some mindful tips to help you find self-acceptance in any resolutions or changes you want to make this year.
1 | Consider how you want to feel vs. how you think you should be
Think about any resolutions or big changes you want to make in your life. What is it that you want to feel as a result of this change? More confidence? More peace of mind? More security? Instead of focusing on any negative or fixing you need to do, look at what you want to build, expand or bring more of into your life.
Now get curious. Are there any steps you can take to harness this feeling in your life today, before you “achieve” whatever result you think you need to feel it? Create a to-be list to help clarify these steps and let yourself feel good today!
2 | Focus on yourself, not others
When it comes to any changes you want to make in your life, don’t compare yourself to other people and their goals or lives. You can honor other people’s strengths without disregarding or diminishing your own.
It doesn’t matter what those around you are doing or feeling, it matters what you really want and need in your life. If what you need is more support letting go of comparison, try out this meditation.
3 | Make rest your resolution
Instead of always pushing to reach your goals, what if you took a different approach. Research shows that rest is a fundamental part of success, health, and happiness. And without it, we’re unlikely to find true fulfillment in our lives, no matter how much hustling we do.
Early bedtime, daily technology breaks, time outside, and a refreshing nap are all great ways to help your body reap the benefits of rest.
4 | Don’t be rigid and let yourself off the hook
Think of yourself, and any changes you want to make, as a “work in progress”. Just like you’re always changing and evolving, so can your habits and goals. This is especially important for those days you miss your meditation, workout, or any other plans in service of a goal. Let yourself off the hook. You can be committed without being rigid, and this flexibility will help you sustain the changes you want to make.
Learn how to shift your self-talk and reframe negativity with this free practice on reframing a negative thoughts from Calm’s Chief Purpose Officer, Jay Shetty.
5 | Meditate
Mindfulness meditation and loving kindness meditation are both great ways to improve self-acceptance as they help to cultivate compassion, see things more clearly, and even balance your brain. Meditation can help you detach from negative self-talk and self-criticism, which so often stand in the way of self-acceptance.
Learn the basics of mindfulness meditation, or give a loving kindness meditation a try.
6 | Celebrate your strengths
If you can’t celebrate the goodness and strengths you already possess, there's no reason to believe you’ll be able to do it whenever you get that “thing”. We all have a tendency to hold onto the negatives in our life, thanks to our negativity bias, so start to practice recognizing and cultivating the positive in your life. This way, whenever you do come to that next big achievement, you’ll know how to stop and celebrate your hard work.
Resources to Help Cultivate Self-Acceptance
Enhancing Self-Acceptance from the 7 Days of Self-Esteem with Tamara Levitt
Meditation: Saying Yes to Life with Tara Brach
Allow yourself to readjust as many times as you need. [Image: Getty]
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
