The most important ingredient for long-term happiness? Here’s what research says
The results are in from the longest running study on human happiness, and the key ingredient for a happy life may surprise you. We explore the “secret” to happiness, and how you can cultivate it in your life.
We all know the old adage that money won’t make us happy. Many of us also understand that status or accolades don’t fulfill us either. But if wealth, fame or success don’t improve our happiness level, what exactly support our long-term health and wellbeing?
According to the longest running in-depth study on human happiness in the world, the answer is the quality of our relationships.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which started in 1938, has shown that more than money, I.Q, or social class, the depth and breadth of our relationships with family, friends, and spouses are the most important predictors of whether we age well and live a long and happy life.
Dr. Robert Waldinger, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the studies’ current director, said that, “over and over in these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned into relationships with family, with friends and with community.”
What’s the big deal about relationships?
So why are relationships the most likely indicator of success in a world that seems to prioritize money and status? In a word, stress.
Relationships are a huge support when it comes to managing stress—something that we’re all experiencing more and more. Life is challenging; whether it’s in your personal life or the world at large, we all need resources to meet these challenges. And the Harvard study has shown, again and again, that relationships are the strongest resource we have.
Related: How To Get Stress On-Side with Science
We turn to our friends, family, and partners to celebrate the ups and hold us through the downs. Having that person, or people, to call (sometimes in the middle of the night) helps us feel safe and supported when we’re navigating all that life throws at us.
But a buffer for stress isn’t the only benefit of relationships. Studies have also shown that socially connected people live longer and are more protected against depression and cognitive decline.
Why good relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all
A “good” relationship, one that offers you the strength and support you need, doesn’t have to look a certain way. You don’t need to be married or living with someone to receive the benefits. The bonds you have with friends, family, and those in any community groups you’re a part of are important as well. Even a conversation with a casual acquaintance at your work, school, or neighborhood contributes to your levels of happiness.
A supportive relationship also doesn’t have to be smooth sailing all the time. No relationship is perfect, what matters is that you feel you could really count on the other person when life gets hard.
How do you actually cultivate good relationships?
There’s no denying the evidence that strong relationships are the key to happiness. But they don’t just happen overnight. Relationships are something we have to invest our time and energy in by practicing what Dr. Waldinger calls “social fitness”.
Just like physical fitness, your social connections need exercise and attention in order to thrive. Luckily, it’s never too late to improve your social fitness, with many participants in the Harvard study making meaningful connections much later in life. It just requires a bit of effort.
Your 7-Step Social Fitness “Work-out” Plan
The same way you prioritize working out or getting good sleep, you need to be intentional about building and nurturing your relationships. One proven way to improve your relationships? Mindfulness. Research shows that higher levels of mindfulness predict happier, more satisfying relationships, which in turn increase your overall satisfaction in life.
Here are some mindful tips to give your social fitness a work-out:
1| Intentionally connect with loved ones
Nothing can replace face-to-face time with your friends and loved ones, so be intentional about making time to connect with the people in your life. Whether it’s an evening walk, a weekend bunch, or a monthly book club, set aside time to nurture the relationships in your life.
Can’t meet in person or find yourself short on time? That’s okay! Dr. Waldinger suggests you set up an 8-minute phone call, because even a brief call makes a difference.
🔷 Get to know the importance of connection in this Daily Calm
2 | Be present
When it’s time to connect with your people, do your best to be present. Maybe this means putting away your phone or anything else that will distract you. Maybe it means a quick meditation before you see them. Do whatever you need to show up fully, mindfully sharing the moments you have together.
🔷 Try a body scan meditation to help you get present before you connect with a loved one
3 | Practice mindful communication
Make a commitment to bring mindfulness into the conversations you share with others. This means when you’re listening, you give your full attention, understand what the other person is saying, and don’t plan out how you want to respond while they’re talking.
And when you’re speaking, slow down, stay connected to your body, and aim to speak authentically from the heart. These practices can strengthen connection by helping you be more open and vulnerable with each other.
When in doubt, ask questions! Get curious about what you still don’t know about the other person, and enjoy learning more about who they are.
🔷 Learn how to really listen in this episode of The Spark
4 | Cultivate and express gratitude
Cultivating and expressing gratitude has a bigger positive impact on our wellbeing than we realize. Not just for the recipient, but also for the expressor. Spend some time reflecting on the gratitude you have for the people in your life, maybe in meditation or by making a list, and then make sure to share. You could:
Send a brief text sharing one thing you’re grateful for about the other person (a small check-in can mean a lot)
Write a letter (or email) of appreciation sharing all that you love about the person
Make a habit of thanking your loved ones on the spot for things they do for you or ways you are grateful for them
Establish a dinnertime gratitude practice with your family, sharing what and who you appreciated that day
🔷 Unlock the transformative power of gratitude in this Masterclass
Related: Why Gratitude Is Good For Your Mental Health
5 | Talk to strangers
Instead of silently passing by your neighbor or scrolling on your phone in the check-out line, make a point to engage with those you don’t know well, or at all. Research shows that interactions with casual acquaintances, or “weak ties”, make you smarter and improve your wellbeing.
Even a short interaction can make a positive impact on your life, so look out for moments you can connect and engage with those around you. You never know what might come of it.
🔷 Discover the power of unexpected relationships with The Daily Jay
6 | Try a new hobby
Whether it's alone or with a friend, explore a new hobby. Being a beginner opens you up to deeper presence, curiosity, and wonder. Navigating this with a friend or partner can deepen your connection, while doing it alone can offer an opportunity to form new friendships with like-minded people.
🔷 Explore why hobbies make us happier, more relaxed, and even more productive in this episode of The Spark
7 | Invest in work friendships
Having friendships at work is an important source of connection and can improve your daily life, no matter what line of work you’re in. Studies show that people who have friends at work are more engaged, more likely to innovate and share ideas, and have more fun.
Some ideas to foster your friendships (or potential friendships) at work (or school, or anyplace you go regularly):
Follow up on something that a person mentioned in a meeting (ask about a hobby they like, inquire about a sick family member, etc.)
Give a thoughtful compliment in person or via a note/email
Participate in, or plan, a social gathering at work
Join meetings a few minutes early to make some small talk
Accept help when offered by others and extend your help when possible
Invite a friend or potential friend to take a walk or grab lunch (if you work remotely, set up a virtual lunch or a separate time to connect online
🔷 Check out this collection of sessions to improve relationships at work
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